The "V" Word
Vulnerability, difficult as it is to practice, is perhaps the greatest gift we can give to ourselves and each other. For it is only when we can enter into conversations with authenticity and hearts wide open that we can even begin to know who we are at our core and then initiate the steps of sharing that being with another person. Sometimes this self-knowledge is able to break through unencumbered in the silence of prayer or meditation. It is here where we can monitor our thoughts, witness who we truly are, and the work of self discovery can begin in earnest. It is only after we meet ourselves in this sacred space and practice self love and acceptance that the sharing with another can begin. This is step one of a very steep and arduous trek. For it is only with courage and determination that we can set about being real with ourselves and each other.
Brené Brown, the reigning queen of vulnerability in her book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms How We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead says, “Vulnerability is the core of all emotions and feelings. Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper or more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” That is quite the magic potion which has the potential to open wide the doors of our spiritual transformation. We grow in understanding of who we are and have been only by peeling back the layers of our lives: what we have done, how we have responded, and more importantly what we have kept hidden away. American society demands of us to keep up appearances: look good, speak with authority, strive to reach the top rung of every ladder we climb - quite the opposite of practicing vulnerability where we meet and actually share our concerns, weaknesses and unabashedly reveal the innumerable imposter syndromes from which we suffer.
Jesus attempted to share his own human weaknesses to the disciples in taking the lowest position in the washing of their feet and later the same evening he begged Peter, James, and John to stay with him while he prayed in Gethsemane. Jesus chooses to share himself during times of sorrow as well as joy. Earlier in the book of John, he tells them all the importance of sharing his love with them in the commandment to love one another: “I tell you this so that my joy may be in you and your joy will be complete.” In the very next breath he calls them his friends. This too is what we attempt when we share our joys and sorrows with our family and friends.
Paul is another spiritual leader who exhibited great vulnerability. He most assuredly had an overwhelming debt to repay for his persecution of the Jews and he spoke honestly of his regrets. The book of Acts mentions many times Paul’s hesitancy to preach and the “thorn in his side,” which he begged God to remove. He tells the Corinthians of his doubts and relays the affirmation from God whose “grace is sufficient” and has been made strong in his weakness.
St. Ignatius too has things to share with us about vulnerability. Being a proud Spanish soldier, his life took a turn in his cannonball moment and he was forced into bed rest and recovery. In his reading of the lives of the saints and Jesus, he came to realize through deep prayer and reflection the path of his life and how he had turned away from God. Years later he would come face to face with who he was and now could be. In the writing of the Exercises he would learn how he and we could embrace our relationship with God in the midst of unmasking ourselves, vulnerabilities and all, so that we might grow deeper into our own spiritual path.
Vulnerability is the conscious choice to NOT hide your feelings or the events of your life. The only way we can be known is to tell our story, sparing no details that might make us appear wiser, stronger, or more heroic. It is having the bravery to share our weaknesses - I’m not good at drawing - and knowing that it is not condescension or a tactic but honesty. Give compliments when you appreciate something about someone - you are kind, generous, caring. The same goes for when someone has hurt your feelings or been insensitive; having the courage to share the lines that get crossed so that we can be in honest relationships together, hiding nothing. This too is how we become known and have the ability to share our true selves with another.
There is no greater honor than to be trusted with your friend’s deep sharing. When the narrator of the story leads with, “I want to tell you something…,” sit down and rest a bit, prepare to, just for a moment, carry the burden that your friend is offering and entrusting into your loving arms. Be aware that it is in this honest self revelation that the two of you are about to dive deep into the water together, no longer skimming across its surface. You have just been crowned faithful friend and confidant. No words or pithy saying will be asked of you; as the receiver you can just shut up and listen, and wallow a bit in this fuller, more profound relationship. As social beings, we are not meant to hold the heavy weights of life alone; they must be shared so that we can have some semblance of enduring the joys and sorrows together and crossing through to the life after that awaits. We ask our friends to, at times, bend down and sit with us in the muck, and in like manner, take our hand and follow as we are together lifted above all of life in pure unadulterated joy. These moments will change both the giver and receiver; each will become stronger in carrying the load, as well as softer in the opening of each of their hearts. This, this is what love looks like.
