Blessed and Broken

We live in a world that is in constant search for perfection but there can be such beauty in brokenness. Broken shells or coffee mugs display the inner curves and makings of the ordinariness of life. Imperfect flowers and leaves allow us to see inside, how things are connected and how light and color coalesce to display such beauty. Once we can acknowledge our own brokenness we can see how it creates the cracks and hollows that make space for the light to shine from within.

As a child, one of my favorite bible stories was the Feeding of the 5,000. The main character was a child so I could easily put myself in the scene. I could imagine myself to be that little boy who for some reason out of all those people following Jesus, had a mother who planned ahead enough to pack me a lunch of bread and fish. It wasn't much but it would have gotten me through the day and I might have been able to share a bit with a friend. That was until Andrew came by and asked if I could share my lunch to feed the crowd. This adult like most in children’s minds made no sense. How were you going to feed anyone besides me and maybe a few others with my little barley loaves and tiny fish? But sure, I was raised to share and my curiosity is peaked now; let’s see how you’re going to do this. We all know how the story goes but nowadays when I enter into this story, I want more than anything to become the loaves of bread. I want to be the sacrifice that is given, shared among the crowd and collected into the baskets as evidence of the Divine. I want to offer myself to Jesus.

I begin the morning still warm from the oven, lovingly placed beside the other loaves in the basket and we bounce our way through the day as the boy joins the crowd following Jesus. I can hear the excitement of voices of those being healed, the oohs and ahhs and words rarely spoken aloud like prophet or messiah. At long last we, these five loaves and two fish are finally brought to a standstill and now it is only the voice of Jesus that can be heard. I savor the calm and tranquility that seems to pervade the atmosphere, the very air we breathe. As the day warms up I have become aware of the growing stench coming from the other corner of the basket. I’m feeling a bit pompous next to these stinky fish and wouldn’t mind a little more of that air. Suddenly we are on the move again; the boy has given the whole basket to the disciple, Andrew and before you know it I find myself next to Jesus. He seems to sense everything about me with one look. This little barley loaf, barely big enough for a few bites; he knows I come from humble means but am eager to be put to work for the greater good. The hands of Jesus surround me and there is a warmth there unlike anything I’ve felt before. It is Love. We five loaves, gathered in his hands are lifted high in the air and down again. He blesses us. Then it happens, I feel myself being broken once, twice, then again and again. The breaking continues; I don’t understand how it is happening because as one piece is broken, another appears. This is the lavish generosity of God. It is limitless; all are welcome to the table. I and my companions loaves feed the 5,000 and the pieces of us fill twelve baskets. There was never need for concern, we with the help of Jesus were plenty to go around.

This imagery of a loaf does feel a bit like how we start out in life, a fully formed tiny baguette, flawless, perfect in color and demarcations ideal for being split apart and shared at a meal. People come by and tell you and everyone in the room how beautiful you are, how good you smell and delicious you will be. There is love and devotion from all directions, each of them aimed at you. And life happens, slowly at first and then in more rapid succession. You lose your confidence, your heart gets broken and you notice crumbs falling off from your edges. Then people you love get sick or die, your broken heart ends in divorce and you are split open, unable now to easily reassemble the pieces. But somehow you see light breaking through and some bit of reassurance returns. You patch yourself back together again, filling the gaps with the glue of prayer and spiritual companionship. The breaks don’t seem to stop but you realize that you are still here, complete in your fullness. You are that broken loaf of barley bread, blessed, broken and shared.

Henri Nouwen who is well known for his belief in our Belovedness also had thoughts on brokenness in his book, Life of the Beloved.

“Our brokenness is truly ours. Nobody else’s. Our brokenness is as unique as our chosenness and our blessedness. As fearsome as it may sound, as the Beloved ones, we are called to claim our unique brokenness, just as we have to claim our unique chosenness and our unique blessedness.”

Embrace your brokenness and know that it is yours alone. Like the young boy in the story, through your selflessness, allow your pieces to be shared knowing there is a use for them all. Even among the 5,000, we have much to offer as God works in and through our gifts of humble bread and some aging fish.